Ninjapino's Blog

Haze

Posted in Life in general by ninjapino on May 21, 2011

The world looks so much different first thing in the morning.  I’m not talking about the rushed, it’s still barely light out, I’m going to work type morning.  I’m talking this morning.  Driving for an hour and a half this morning on no sleep, the haze of last night hitting me in between the eyes like a dart.  The roads and the world were unrecognizable, but completely familiar.  The morning light baring down, but in a soft manner, knowing full well it could crush us at any moment.  Like an elephant stepping on an egg.

The whiskey stale in my stomach, forcing me to take in more then I would on any other occasion.  Not hungover, per say.  More in a sober-Hemmingway state.  My eyes catch every speck in the air as they fly by my open window.  Every wisp, every clump of pollen, every piece of downtown trash on the side of the road…..and also the litter.  It’s all beautiful.  It’s all part of the experience.

And now back to the real world.  In reality, I do not normally have the luxury that I explored this morning.  In reality, I’ve got shit to do.  Namely, finally getting some sleep.

Vent

Posted in Life in general by ninjapino on April 22, 2011

Write, damn you…..just fucking write…..you know you’re good at this…..or at least you used to be until you let yourself go.  You stopped exercising……you got lazy and stopped working out your writing skills and now you are out of shape.

Here I am, another sleepless night sitting in bed with my laptop.  No reason, no purpose, just my brain is letting itself wander from thought to thought stopping at a million points, all of them wonderful ideas or, at the very least, interesting in some respect.  They aren’t inherently good, but you can make them good and you know you can.  It’s time to start working out again.  Get back to those wonderful short stories and half a scripts you used to do in your short college career.

It’s weird, I’m in a better position in my life where I have time to write and very little distraction from doing so, yet I have fallen so far that it’s hard for me to do so.  Maybe that’s the problem.  Maybe I need chaos.  I have no muse.  The closest to one I ever had was the frustrations in my life caused by the chaos.  But if that’s the case, then I’d have to deal with the chaos again.  Do I honestly wish that upon myself?  No…..no, I do not.

Do I wish this contentedness I now have?  It has made me soft, in a sense.  It’s comfortable now.  I have no reason or right to complain…..but it lost me the fury I truly felt in life that caused my true writing.  I’ll feel it in short burst now, but I am having trouble channeling it.  Is that a good thing?  Or would it be better to force myself to suffer in order to share it with the world?  Or do I need to find a happy medium?  A way to channel that energy while not driving myself to the insane point I was previously at?  But, then, will it truly be honest?  Or would it be a half-ass attempt at what I really could do if given the proper motivation.

Hell, I don’t know…..all I know is that I need to start working out more often…..too many ideas are going to waste in my fat little brain.

Fuck.

Her

Posted in Life in general by ninjapino on May 31, 2010

Three years ago tomorrow.  That’s how long it’s been.  That’s how long it’s been since she left.  For me, add a few months to that and that’s how long it’s been since I’ve seen her.  What hurts is the fact that I had the chance to see her one or two more times beforehand, but didn’t.  I told myself that I didn’t need to rush.  I had plenty of time.  I should have known better.

I went to see her today.  It’s been a while since I’ve done that.  I left flowers for the first time.   Don’t know why, but it helped.  She’s been on my mind a lot, lately.  It might be because it’s so close to the date, I’m not sure.  She one of the few women I can actually say I ever truly loved.  Hell, she’s one of the few people I can say that about.  Whether that was a platonic love or not on my side, I’m not sure.  But I do know that she loved me back.

She completely changed who I was.  I had my set of beliefs at the time that I never truly believed.  I just thought that it was all fact.  She taught me that I don’t have to except that.  That I can be who I am and still love life.  That was probably the greatest thing that she ever taught anyone: Love.  It was her greatest gift and she had more then enough to share.  She might have been a little naive at time.  Also, stubborn as anybody I’ve ever met.  The funniest thing was, you could never prove her wrong because of that.  And you wanted to believe what she believed.  A world where people where honest and good….they just had to stop being self-centered long enough to notice it.

I love you and always truly will.  I miss  you.

Emojoe

Posted in Assholes, Life in general by ninjapino on May 19, 2010

Today was an interesting day.  For those of you who haven’t been around me or just haven’t noticed, I’ve been pretty much feeling like crap for the last month or so for several different reasons.  Today, though, I honestly feel good.  And for that, I have my friends to thank.

For those that don’t know me, I seem to suffer from a massive lack of self-confidence and a lot of self-loathing.  I could go into why this is, but it would only be hyperbole from self-evaluation.  I believe my reasoning are truthful, but who am I to say if I’m right or not?  Lately, these feelings have become overwhelmingly unbearable and I had almost completely broke my resolve.  I finally  decided “fuck it” and ask my friends about one of the issues that continues to plague me.  My  friends are very honest people, so they answered me very honestly.  I know that they never truly believe the jokes that are said and I don’t expect it to stop.  If it did, then I would honestly be more worried then before.  I know my friends love me and all I expect out of them is honesty.  When I get that, I am happy, as long as it’s done in a civil manner.

At times, I do not know what to do with myself.  At times I just want to sell all I own and leave.  Just start new.  But I know that if I do that, I won’t escape my emotions, I’ll only delay them for the time being.  I’m trying, folks.  I really am.  This blog is just one step toward trying to better myself and, in turn, my opinion of myself.  It’s an odd feeling of not feeling worthy of the people I know, but at the same time feeling the rest of the world is not worth me.  When it comes down to it, I feel as if I’m the laughing stock of everyone who is important to me most of the time.  Mostly because I let myself be the laughing stock.  I have friends who are great at many things, yet I’m afraid to do anything myself for fear of failure.  It was something I grew up with that just became a part of my being.  I guess I just have to say, “fuck it.”  If I fail, my friends will still be my friends.  That’s really all that’s important.   Besides, I think they would appreciate the extra ammo.

Get a Life

Posted in Life in general by ninjapino on March 6, 2010

I’ve noticed something.  Everyday, weekend or not, if I’m ever getting back home after 9pm, there is not a single parking space anywhere near my building.  What the hell, people.  Unfortunately, I have never had the chance to really meet any of my neighbors, but I have seen them about.  Majority of them are not much farther from my age (mid-20s), yet I seem to be the only one that stays out late.  Especially weekends.  I know I do not have that exciting of a life.  I enjoy what I do and I enjoy hanging out with my friends.  Is this no longer the norm for those recently turned adult?  I thought this was the time of our freedom.  Get out of your house for something other then work!  Leave me a parking space!

It’s odd.  At times like this, I wonder.  Am I actually older then I think I am?  As a fan of Kevin Smith’s work, I grew up believing that this was the time to figure out who we are and what we want to do.  Not start settling down.  Who has time for that shit?  Maybe I just am late because I skipped most of college.  However, sadly, I am starting to feel the pains of getting older quite literally.  I actually have a muscle cramp in my chest right now.  My lower back was hurting most of the week after the Dot Dot Dot show on Saturday.   I don’t want to be getting older.

I know a lot of this can also be contributed to the fact that I haven’t worked out in forever.  I plan on changing this, soon, but still…..I should be able to put my body through any type of torture and come out unscathed.  I’m not used to this.  Body, I command you to go back to the resilience you had five years ago.  I was boring five years ago and didn’t use you properly.  Now I am and you are acting like it’s too late.  Fuck that.  I still get in argument of Batman vs Superman and play with Ninja Turtles and Legos sometimes.  This isn’t right.  They say that age is only in your mind.  Tell that to my fucking body (or lack of fucking, maybe) and hopefully it’ll listen.  I’m (not) too old for this shit!