Ninjapino's Blog

Video Games That Need To Be Movies.

Posted in Movies, Video Games by ninjapino on May 20, 2010

As you probably know unless you live under a rock, the video game franchise, Prince of Persia, is going to be coming to theaters shortly.  After a long history of crappy video game movies, I must admit, this one actually looks like it might deliver.  Finally, someone in Hollywood seems to be taking this potential goldmine seriously.  Considering the giant demographic cross between video games and movies, you’d think this would have been done a long time ago.  Instead,  the best we’ve been offered comes in the likes of campy, cheesy action flicks such as Tomb Raider and (arguably) the Resident Evil franchise.  And, at worst, we’ve been stuck with the likes of Uwe Boll.  (who the hell kept giving him game rights, by the way?  Whoever it was, we need to strangle them.)

Jerry Bruckheimer, the mastermind producer that turned a children’s amusement park ride into a swashbuckling hit seems to have done his homework.  He, admittedly, has never played the games, but at least he had someone play them for him to show him what it’s all about to get the feel and the characters right.  And to top it off, he actually made it a point to have Jordan Mechner, the writer for all the Prince of Persia games, write the script.

Hopefully, this starts a trend.  Below, I have listed the video games that I think need to be given the cinematic treatment.   Also, these are not in any particular order.

5. Half-life

Seriously?  You need to wonder why this is on the list?  The world needs a badass nerd to be on the big screen kicking alien ass.  Add the gravity gun or even the portal gun and you could easily have some awesome fight scenes.

How does he keep his glasses on the entire time?

Plus, motherfucker doesn’t even need a gun.  He’s got his trusty crowbar.

4. Mass Effect

There has never been a major space opera franchise ever that could come close to competing with the Star Wars series as Mass Effect. I know, I know…. “What about Halo?”, you say.  Halo would be a good action film, but that’s pretty much it.  Honestly, I’m not a huge fan of that franchise and, even though it does have a nicely realized universe, it is nothing compared to what the guys and girls at Bioware have created.

Jack Shepard and the crew of the Normandy make up an uniquely diverse cast that makes you more interested in their alien race as anything in Star Trek.  The travel from planet to planet against their fight with Sarun, the Geth, and the Reapers would make for an epic series that is just as well written as any other sci-fi movie you can think of.   Plus, Commander Shepard is just as notorious for banging alien poon as Captain Kirk.

3.  Devil May Cry

This is one series that I would forgive if they gave the campy, cheesy treatment to.  The hero, Dante, is your classic video game hero.  Think Van Hellsing or James Bond if he was a demon slayer.  The kind of hero that will pull off amazing, visually stunning combat all the while smiling and cracking one-liners.  It would be completely okay to go over the top with this film and just make it as retardedly awesome as any Jason Statham movie with duel guns blazing and sword in hand.  This actually was in line to be made a long time ago.  There were test shots done of Christian Bale dressed as the character.  You could probably find them still if you looked hard enough.  Why they didn’t follow through is beyond me.  How could you not enjoy seeing this on the big screen?

2. God of War

What they should have made instead of a Clash of the Titans remake.  There was no reason to redo that film since the original is still a classic.  Sure, the graphics and animations might be a bit outdated, but as any gamer knows, good graphics =/= good product.  Who wouldn’t want to see a crazed Spartan go all out in a rampage across Greek mythology bent on destroying anything in his way in the most brutal fashion possible?

"Here, let me help get the kink out of you ne...OH DEAR GOD, I'M SORRY!"

1. Uncharted

This game is pretty much a movie in itself.  One can just sit there and watch someone play this modern Indiana Jones type adventure and still have a good time.  Believe me, I’ve seen it.  Hell, even in the commercial for it, they made fun of that fact.

The best part is that you wouldn’t have to spend much money on casting.  The entire game was voiced and mo-capped by amazing actors who (for the most part) look and ARE the characters they portray.  In classic Indiana Jones fashion, Nolan North, the actor that plays the main character, Nathan Drake, improved a lot of his lines.  This could definitely be the tomb robbing adventure series of the new generation.  Especially since it’s going to be tough forgetting the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull crap.


10 Responses

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  1. thaninjamonkey said, on May 20, 2010 at 12:40 am


    Metal. Gear. Solid.

    Seriously, how do you forget that shit.

  2. ninjapino said, on May 20, 2010 at 12:51 am

    No, I was thinking that, but I think it might be a little bit too convoluted to be a good film now. That is one of the few times I would say the original author needs to give input ONLY and not actually right the damn thing. I think Hideo Kojima has lost his fucking mind. And, besides, he needs to work on Zone of the Enders 3 before doing anything else.

  3. Kyle said, on May 20, 2010 at 1:41 am

    So I’m imagining that you two are probably cuddling by now.

  4. iambaker said, on May 20, 2010 at 1:33 pm

    Ummmm what about a Super Mario Brothers sequel? Fucking get on that, Hollywood.

  5. Tcuk-Nasty said, on May 20, 2010 at 2:33 pm

    I have to be an asshole about two things Claudio-Joe, I would like to apologize before I type them. There. I did it.

    Ok, first thing: Van Helsing kind of IS a demon slayer.

    And the second thing that probably nobody else cares about but me: In video games, they are called “graphics”. In movies, they are called “special effects”. Nothing in this world drives me more nuts then someone calling “special effects” “graphics”. It’s not your fault that I am anal.

    Other than that, I agree with most of what you have said. I always thought that there should be a “Legend of Zelda” film. Could be epic, no?

  6. Tcuk-Nasty said, on May 20, 2010 at 2:34 pm

    Oh, and P.S.

    Fuck a “Prince of Persia”.

  7. mrsjamiecbaker said, on May 20, 2010 at 4:17 pm

    Duck Hunt. Done properly, it would be amazing. Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis, Kiefer Sutherland, and Michael Clarke Duncan could play hunters. Gilbert Gottfried could be a duck. Insert some random hot chicks to play protesters from PETA. Duck hunting is some serious shit.

  8. ninjapino said, on May 20, 2010 at 8:31 pm

    Tuck, I was just trying to get a point across. I know the difference. lol. Also, why would you want to fuck a prince? I thought you liked princesses? Or do we need to talk to Moonda about something?

    Jamie, I would agree about Dunt Hunt.

    • Tuck-Nasty said, on May 21, 2010 at 7:31 pm

      I did not mean to offend, it just bugs me sometimes, that’s all.

      Come over tomorrow, late-afternoon-ish. Yeah? Give a call.

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