Ninjapino's Blog

Emojoe

Posted in Assholes, Life in general by ninjapino on May 19, 2010

Today was an interesting day.  For those of you who haven’t been around me or just haven’t noticed, I’ve been pretty much feeling like crap for the last month or so for several different reasons.  Today, though, I honestly feel good.  And for that, I have my friends to thank.

For those that don’t know me, I seem to suffer from a massive lack of self-confidence and a lot of self-loathing.  I could go into why this is, but it would only be hyperbole from self-evaluation.  I believe my reasoning are truthful, but who am I to say if I’m right or not?  Lately, these feelings have become overwhelmingly unbearable and I had almost completely broke my resolve.  I finally  decided “fuck it” and ask my friends about one of the issues that continues to plague me.  My  friends are very honest people, so they answered me very honestly.  I know that they never truly believe the jokes that are said and I don’t expect it to stop.  If it did, then I would honestly be more worried then before.  I know my friends love me and all I expect out of them is honesty.  When I get that, I am happy, as long as it’s done in a civil manner.

At times, I do not know what to do with myself.  At times I just want to sell all I own and leave.  Just start new.  But I know that if I do that, I won’t escape my emotions, I’ll only delay them for the time being.  I’m trying, folks.  I really am.  This blog is just one step toward trying to better myself and, in turn, my opinion of myself.  It’s an odd feeling of not feeling worthy of the people I know, but at the same time feeling the rest of the world is not worth me.  When it comes down to it, I feel as if I’m the laughing stock of everyone who is important to me most of the time.  Mostly because I let myself be the laughing stock.  I have friends who are great at many things, yet I’m afraid to do anything myself for fear of failure.  It was something I grew up with that just became a part of my being.  I guess I just have to say, “fuck it.”  If I fail, my friends will still be my friends.  That’s really all that’s important.   Besides, I think they would appreciate the extra ammo.

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6 Responses

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  1. Kyle said, on May 19, 2010 at 10:45 pm

    Joe, seriously, don’t worry about “failing.” Who decides what failure is anyway? You were talking shit before about not being very good at playing guitar…but I never hear about you practicing playing! You only fail if you want to do something that you enjoy but you don’t do it. If you want to try something, just stop saying that, “I need to…” thing and just do it. You want somebody to try shit with you? Call me and we’ll try it. Want to make pottery? Let’s go. Want to go hiking? Lets do it. You know that all of us want you to think more positively about yourself but none of us can make that happen. It’s on you and unfortunately that makes it harder. We see you just fine…you don’t see yourself as others do. I don’t know why but if getting new hobbies and being “good” at something will help you see yourself in a positive light, let’s fucking do something. Speaking of a hobby to try…fix your skates! I want to rollerblade with you!

    • ninjapino said, on May 19, 2010 at 11:14 pm

      Exactly the kind of stuff I’m trying to do. I’m forcing myself to write more, I have been practicing a little bit at guitar, and I’m going to buying a new board here as soon as possible. This is why I love my friends. Thank you, mouse. I love ya.

      • Kyle said, on May 20, 2010 at 1:40 am

        I can’t stand you. 😀

  2. iambaker said, on May 20, 2010 at 1:38 pm

    ” I could go into why this is, but it would only be hyperbole from self-evaluation.”

    Nice line. I *heart* my Joseph. Too bad I’m not a fag, then we could be together. Later gayboy.

    P.S. If you fail, our bromance fails and I will disown. So succeed if only for the sake of being closer to me.

    So gay, all day, like golden rays, don’t go away, yes I may, be so gay, and play in hay, down in the bay, always stay, it’s the right way, the price you pay, for being gay.

  3. iambaker said, on May 20, 2010 at 1:39 pm

    Also, can I get in on this pottery class thing??

  4. mrsjamiecbaker said, on May 20, 2010 at 4:03 pm

    It bothers me that my husband is so in love with you.

    Anywhooo…. if you do get going on wheels, I want in! I’ve been dying to go roller blading again. If only I still had my K2s… *cries*

    The failures in the world are those who never do a damn thing, who just sit on their asses, wishing and praying for things to come to them. It’d be awesome if shooting stars granted happiness, but no such luck. You can’t fail if you’re actively doing something! Here’s a crappy personal example: I decided that I need to write this book/screenplay that has been stuck in my head for years. So I am doing it. Will it be successful? Highly doubtful, but I don’t give two shits because I’m writing it, it’s getting done, and I can say to myself that I kick ass for doing it.

    Joe, you are a huge nerd in an endearing way. Chicks like nerds though! Hell, I married one! You’re seriously a sweet and funny guy and I’m glad BakerMan FINALLY introduced me to you guys because I love you all. I’m pretty impressed at the way you handle all the gay jokes…. honestly, it shows a lot of strength, because if I was you I would have punched someone in the eye by now. 🙂

    Shit, I really need to get back to work now before someone notices what I’m doing…..


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