Ninjapino's Blog

The Pursuit of Happyness

Posted in Uncategorized by ninjapino on March 17, 2010

Ignore the fact that stole the title of my post from a book turned Will Smith movie.  Moving on.

A couple days ago, a friend of mine joined a group on Facebook entitled “No, I don’t drink or smoke.  I just deal with my problems.”  He is the exact type of person to join such a group.  He’s a hippy, vegan, artist and one of the most amazing guitarist I’ve ever met.  I love this man.  He’s happy-go-lucky to the point where it almost becomes unbearable, though.  I honestly have to say that he puts up with almost too much from people and won’t say a word and acts as if it never bothers him.  It got me to thinking.  Is that what I’m missing?

Now, for those of you that don’t know me that well, let me tell you a little background.  I am a born again atheist.  Yes, you heard that right.  I was born and raised in the church and lived by it wholeheartedly.  Then, over a course of time, for many different reasons, I saw the light.  Oh, lordy, lordy, I’ve been saved from belief in the Lord!

With these newly opened eyes many more opportunities were open to me.  I didn’t go overboard with anything, but I did start things such as drinking, smoking (not tobacco, I’m not stupid.  I don’t do anything that is chemically addictive), and having the occasional promiscuous rendezvous with the beautiful (admittedly, sometimes not so beautiful)  creatures of the opposite sex.   Now, I’m not saying these are good things.  Some of the times, they are far from it.   But I do enjoy them.  But do they make me happy?  Or am I simply doing them to make myself think I’m happy because, as my friends group stated, I cannot deal with my problems?

Back in my time of being a closed minded individual, I honestly cannot think of a single time I was truly happy with myself.   Yes, I did have a smile on.  I sang, I danced, I praised the lord and did other normal teenage stuff within limits of my faith.  I condemned sex, drugs, and rock and roll with the exception of Christian rock because I could not stand the likes of Michael W. Smith.  But in truth, I was a very unhappy person.  You ask anybody who knew me back then.  Most of them I don’t talk to much anymore for various reasons, but I had some issues.  I blocked my friends, reveled in drama, and wrote sad poetry about how worthless I was.  I was emo before being emo was cool.  (Why the fuck is it cool now, though?  That’s my question.)

But, this post isn’t about my decent into madness.  That will be saved for another day.  What this is about is the question of “am I happy now?”.   Truthfully, I have to say, “Yes”.  I actually am happy right now.  What people like my formerly mentioned friend don’t understand is that substances like booze are not always a way to escape for people.   No, I am not denying that for some people it is.  For some, it’s a serious issue.  But for me and my kind, it’s not.  Religion is what I abused.  But now, I’ve gotten myself away from everything that made me hate who I was.  I do not deny myself  the choice of doing what I feel should be done.  All these substances are for me is a way for me to enhance the atmosphere around me.  I can definitely have fun without them.  I have on many occasions.  My friends know that I willingly choose to be our DD on many nights simply because I want them to have as much fun as they can.

I’m seriously the happiest I have been in a long time right now and it’s not because of any chemicals or lack thereof.  It’s  simply because, as of right now in my life, I have a good job that, even though it sucks, it keeps me going and could be a lot worse, I have amazing friends who I love and would do anything for, and I honestly have nothing bad in my life right now.  The only thing I feel missing right now is a female companion, but the love I have for my friends is enough for right now.  It kinda sucks because I will admit to always having been a hopeless romantic at heart, but I can deal.  Back in the day, I wouldn’t have thought that.  I would have thought that losing the girl (not that I’ve fully given up on her yet) was the end of it all.  But I no longer need anything to fill any gaps.  I’m whole.  Something I was always told faith would fill yet never did.  I mean, I love you, Sara, but that is one thing you got wrong.  It’s okay to let yourself free.  Just because it alters your perception, doesn’t mean it alters you.  It only does if you let it.

People, I love life and you can’t convince me otherwise.  Yes, there are other things I want, but nothing I feel I need right now.  I might bitch, I might complain, but that’s just because, at times, I slip and become greedy.  Be the trouble you want to see in the world.  As long as you love where you’re at and you’re not harming anyone, fuck everyone else.  Don’t let them tell you how to be happy.  If they are trying to convince you that something will, they are probably trying to convince themselves, too.   Have fun, humans.

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One Response

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  1. iambaker said, on March 30, 2010 at 1:24 pm

    The only way faith ‘fills’ you up, is if you are a deaf kid at a Catholic church. What? Too soon?


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